Tuesday, February 2, 2010
♥ Revelations
No, I have no excuse for not updating, but I do have some interesting musings. A lot has happened, but you will have to survive without an explanation. Mom & Briana came to Japan and it as amazing. I still think about it all the time and I wish the were still here. However, instead you have this in which I realize some things.
I've been thinking a lot lately. A lot of emo-ing, a lot of crying in my bed, a lot of really hating myself. It happens, I'll survive, but at the core of it I couldn't quite understand why. I've done a lot of floundering here. A lot of, okay, I'll go out and get durnk, just because... and then really not enjoying myself. I don't know whether it's from trying too hard or from a raging apathy that has consumed me, but whatever it is, it was really crashing down on me. I was waiting to cross the street to the 7/11 across the way from school when a car passed by (as they are prone to do) and I thought to myself, I wonder what it's like to just be driving around your home, what that's like here, and just like that, it hit me. I've been living here over six months and I still do not think of Japan remotely as my home. I don't see Yaizu as where I live, but more like where I'm sojourning until I leave on my next adventure. Yaizu is not my home, Japan is not my home. I don't see my bike ride back to my house as biking through my neighborhood. It was this emptiness that I didn't realize until that moment when I mused what it'd be like to be in a place you're so comfortable in that you unconsciously see it as your home. To be at ease as you walk the streets. Sure, I know where I'm going, but there is something missing. My heart isn't here and as I crossed the street to get my favorite sandwich, I was comforted by the fact that I would be leaving... most importantly to the places that I do identify with, to the places that are my home.
I don't incredibly dislike Japan, no, but even after so much time I'm not settled. That's what has been bothering me. I've felt like a reckless abandon and it was because of that main solitary factor. I can't rightly rectify this. I have, however, undertaken a different view of how I want to live my life here. I don't want to drink so much, or have to rely on it to have a good time. I need to stop this preoccupation with boys. Seriously. Moreover, and perhaps the most important, I need to be kinder to myself, but by means of pushing myself. I'm going to start going to the gym as much as possible, but at least two to three times a week, and every Sunday morning with Jessie. I'm going to clean more, get out, if even for a walk more, and start eating healthier. I love veggies, I should eat them more than rice and bread, which are quite bad for me. Just because my pancreas decides to work most of the time, doesn't mean it always will. I need to chop the sugary drinks and stick to tea and water. I want to read more, write more, and prepare myself for a life that isn't taking a back seat (even though I don't think I have, I think I'm damn good at getting what I'm going after in life, I just don't want to get so comfortable and lazy that I fall into that).
To this, this all occurred just because I missed the green light at the crosswalk. Huh.
I've been thinking a lot lately. A lot of emo-ing, a lot of crying in my bed, a lot of really hating myself. It happens, I'll survive, but at the core of it I couldn't quite understand why. I've done a lot of floundering here. A lot of, okay, I'll go out and get durnk, just because... and then really not enjoying myself. I don't know whether it's from trying too hard or from a raging apathy that has consumed me, but whatever it is, it was really crashing down on me. I was waiting to cross the street to the 7/11 across the way from school when a car passed by (as they are prone to do) and I thought to myself, I wonder what it's like to just be driving around your home, what that's like here, and just like that, it hit me. I've been living here over six months and I still do not think of Japan remotely as my home. I don't see Yaizu as where I live, but more like where I'm sojourning until I leave on my next adventure. Yaizu is not my home, Japan is not my home. I don't see my bike ride back to my house as biking through my neighborhood. It was this emptiness that I didn't realize until that moment when I mused what it'd be like to be in a place you're so comfortable in that you unconsciously see it as your home. To be at ease as you walk the streets. Sure, I know where I'm going, but there is something missing. My heart isn't here and as I crossed the street to get my favorite sandwich, I was comforted by the fact that I would be leaving... most importantly to the places that I do identify with, to the places that are my home.
I don't incredibly dislike Japan, no, but even after so much time I'm not settled. That's what has been bothering me. I've felt like a reckless abandon and it was because of that main solitary factor. I can't rightly rectify this. I have, however, undertaken a different view of how I want to live my life here. I don't want to drink so much, or have to rely on it to have a good time. I need to stop this preoccupation with boys. Seriously. Moreover, and perhaps the most important, I need to be kinder to myself, but by means of pushing myself. I'm going to start going to the gym as much as possible, but at least two to three times a week, and every Sunday morning with Jessie. I'm going to clean more, get out, if even for a walk more, and start eating healthier. I love veggies, I should eat them more than rice and bread, which are quite bad for me. Just because my pancreas decides to work most of the time, doesn't mean it always will. I need to chop the sugary drinks and stick to tea and water. I want to read more, write more, and prepare myself for a life that isn't taking a back seat (even though I don't think I have, I think I'm damn good at getting what I'm going after in life, I just don't want to get so comfortable and lazy that I fall into that).
To this, this all occurred just because I missed the green light at the crosswalk. Huh.
1:25 PM
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